Post Graduate Studies

...continues from.

The more I ponder the idea of someone coming to my aid with solid advice, a "this could happen to you" type story, or to tell me what's really going to be important to me in just a few years, it would have done no good; I was stubborn and "hood-rich" and already knew everything! No one could have pulled my head out of my ass even with a bulldozer. The sad truth is just short of a jail sentence or a dirt nap I just had to see it for myself, the wasted years and pain I've created in my life. To feel the sting of lost potential that nips at your heels can be haunting. Like rabid puppies they probably won't take you down, but (their ferocity makes it clear), it's not for lack of trying.

Graduation was bliss and the ensuing parties were as well. I don't remember sleeping for two weeks. Riding a high of adrenaline, testosterone, and a few other stimulants, I remember seeing so many tears during this period and I could feel the sadness and despair in their painful stares. Scores of young hearts crushed under the weight of perceived adulthood. I shared no such feelings. The first couple of years after high school was an unbelievable, carefree time in my life. It seemed like my whole life was still ahead of me, not realizing I'd been burning my candle from the wrong end for almost a decade now. My nemesis during this period was primarily my lack of foresight, or hindsight for that matter. This was however a period of time that holds little regret. I was able to travel all over the mid-states, chasing good shows and good times, and they certainly were not elusive destinations. The boys and I had a seek-and-destroy mentality, and I mean that in the most positive way. We saw Pink Floyd at Arrowhead Stadium and followed Lollapalozza from Chicago to Des Moines,then Denver. One of the most memorable concerts was the Soul Assassins tour at the Aragon Ballroom in South Side Chicago. It was Cyprss Hill, House of Pain, and Funkdoobiest!! We followed that tour all throughout the Midwest as well. From wild road trips to the most peaceful secluded, private getaway with my sweetheart, this was the period of my life I felt the most freedom and control over the pace of things. This time was fairly short-lived because of a decision I made about my relationship status that I believed would change the course of my life irreparably. I broke up with my high school sweetheart, my first true loving relationship, for a chance at a friend I had been infatuated with since 7th grade. I later married that friend and we had two beautiful children. The night I found out it was over felt strangely similar to being shot in the chest and I thought again of my sweetheart. Although there were good years in my marriage and I now have two wonderful children, not a day went by after my divorce that I didn't think about my sweetheart, her smile, and her dedication. Just another mindless, selfish decision that would haunt me, just like the rest. As the regret and guilt started to fade, I felt a false sense of security not realizing they'd be back to visit again and again. If I'd stayed with her, I would have never had my two beautiful babies nor would I have met the woman that changed my life, my love Tuesday. So it's strange to me admitting I sometimes ponder what could have been if I'd stayed with her.

To be continued...

Changes

I recently found a notebook that contains a collection of some of my older writing and I've had quite the good time thumbing through these works. I found one in particular that stood out and was quite moving to me personally. It was difficult to finally decide to post this because I certainly didn't want to appear to condone the self-loathing subject matter contained in it. After much consideration I decided to share this piece so, if nothing else you folks could have a peak into where I've come from and where one can go to even if they are coming from the darkest of places. A voice for the voiceless type of work that says you are not alone and the dark nights will lead to brighter days, if you stay and face the pain. From "Changes" to Martes Mi Amor, I've made quite a swing towards the positive and it feels great.

3-12-07

At the end of the rope riding the downward spiral "Tim was here too" all you c*cksuckers know it's true. You actually think there was anything in common between me and your crew? I'll choke you to death. You'll turn the palest of blue, just like when I execute my own calling.

I can no longer touch pain to my face day after today. No good deed gets paid is what they should say. I've tried everyone's way right down to this last day. At the end of the rope and really can't remember the last day I felt peace or at least peaceful ignorance. Right now I'd take either. Give me anything, even a little more tension in this rope please.

Martes Mi Amor

The earth stood still when our eyes met. I was sure of what I was in store for hours before it became reality. It would be just how I read it during the black of night. We came together like prophecy pure as falling snow. You saw my insides out and never even flinched. The fresh wounds and the scars, you embraced them and immediately began to erase them. 

I can exhale in your presence and lay my head back with ease to slumber when in your arms. A rebirth through loving connection and open adoration for each other. No change as profound has occurred in my life since the births of Jacob and Grace. With a mere glance I snatched up the world in you. I had only dreamt of you, my lover, my teacher, my friend, my student. The fire in my soul and under my ass burns bright through your comforting embrace. You are my true adversary in comedic banter which brings soul-fulfilling knowledge through cerebral exchanges of nonsense. Our rhythm is undeniable. 

I can already feel the loving legacy we will leave for our children. It brings a smile to my face and a safe peaceful feeling in my heart. Although I have nothing to compare it against I've seen our love through the prophet's eye. I adore you my love. We will be heard when we take our turn on the Mountaintop! 

Happy Birthday, Baby Doll! 

Quote of the Day

"Why do we script carefully what's wrong just to guess about what's right?"   

~T Money

Ska Song of the Day

Dedicated to my lovely Tuesday Money...

Seasons 9-05-11

The first signs of frailly has touched the leaves, beauty of change is in the air. I feel alive and in touch today. The solace of true love and the truest sense of letting go fill the air in a pungent sense of urgency and calm together that I've not until today been comfortable with. The indigo sky whispers to me and says, "come play, it's safe out here now, you've let them all runaway ...your path is clear my son."

If I choose to adhere the world is ours my love, if not, it will stifle me, removing will like a constrictor. But my pessimism is on that back burner today. I choose to look forward to our season of change. The sun with the rain is true beauty.

Ska Song of the Day

Quote of the Day

"Why is it some believe the truth is negotiable once the film goes black?" 

~T. Money

Rugrats - March 2007

My love, my life, my breath comes in two versions, big man at seven and a "little" sweetheart, small in size but not  in stature. Grace you're gonna be a heart snatcher, a soul raptor, President of the U.S. if that's what you're after. You are already wise enough to capture whatever it is you go after.

Jacob, I can see you as a direct reflection of myself as a total and section by section. It's up to you to push the redirection of you energy and your pain. Prudence will allow you to truly gain, focus and maintain you beautiful, enlightened vision of open, honest care for the world. I've never even heard of a more peaceful, selfless, generosity. Your love of nature and this world is Prophet-like, honestly.

Neither will yet walk freely, just knowing where you are from should be enough to keep your head up away from the gutter.

It won't ever be easy but you've got what it takes to break the cyclical genocide us folks call a family tree. You are from me but you are free...

Quote of the Day

The beautiful thing about learning is nobody can take it away from you! 

~B.B. King

Ska Song of the Day

Frogs

Every day forced performance of a faith found midway through (a tenth generation rat-race). My last dance, I don't care why you drop, we all jump, first or last with intent on four through six, midway through the tenth generation rat-race. Rattling is evidence of the result of this strangulation, I see some light,but once a week while dreaming, it's butane and sterling that's gleaming through IV's with dope streaming. Find your spot to end your bleeding, run, hide, but absence must be fleeting, afterall facing the pain feels better than retreating....

Quote of the Day

"Life's challenges are not suppose to paralyze you, they're suppose to help you discover who you are." 

~ Bernice Johnson Reagon

Ska Song of the Day