Post Graduate Studies

...continues from.

The more I ponder the idea of someone coming to my aid with solid advice, a "this could happen to you" type story, or to tell me what's really going to be important to me in just a few years, it would have done no good; I was stubborn and "hood-rich" and already knew everything! No one could have pulled my head out of my ass even with a bulldozer. The sad truth is just short of a jail sentence or a dirt nap I just had to see it for myself, the wasted years and pain I've created in my life. To feel the sting of lost potential that nips at your heels can be haunting. Like rabid puppies they probably won't take you down, but (their ferocity makes it clear), it's not for lack of trying.

Graduation was bliss and the ensuing parties were as well. I don't remember sleeping for two weeks. Riding a high of adrenaline, testosterone, and a few other stimulants, I remember seeing so many tears during this period and I could feel the sadness and despair in their painful stares. Scores of young hearts crushed under the weight of perceived adulthood. I shared no such feelings. The first couple of years after high school was an unbelievable, carefree time in my life. It seemed like my whole life was still ahead of me, not realizing I'd been burning my candle from the wrong end for almost a decade now. My nemesis during this period was primarily my lack of foresight, or hindsight for that matter. This was however a period of time that holds little regret. I was able to travel all over the mid-states, chasing good shows and good times, and they certainly were not elusive destinations. The boys and I had a seek-and-destroy mentality, and I mean that in the most positive way. We saw Pink Floyd at Arrowhead Stadium and followed Lollapalozza from Chicago to Des Moines,then Denver. One of the most memorable concerts was the Soul Assassins tour at the Aragon Ballroom in South Side Chicago. It was Cyprss Hill, House of Pain, and Funkdoobiest!! We followed that tour all throughout the Midwest as well. From wild road trips to the most peaceful secluded, private getaway with my sweetheart, this was the period of my life I felt the most freedom and control over the pace of things. This time was fairly short-lived because of a decision I made about my relationship status that I believed would change the course of my life irreparably. I broke up with my high school sweetheart, my first true loving relationship, for a chance at a friend I had been infatuated with since 7th grade. I later married that friend and we had two beautiful children. The night I found out it was over felt strangely similar to being shot in the chest and I thought again of my sweetheart. Although there were good years in my marriage and I now have two wonderful children, not a day went by after my divorce that I didn't think about my sweetheart, her smile, and her dedication. Just another mindless, selfish decision that would haunt me, just like the rest. As the regret and guilt started to fade, I felt a false sense of security not realizing they'd be back to visit again and again. If I'd stayed with her, I would have never had my two beautiful babies nor would I have met the woman that changed my life, my love Tuesday. So it's strange to me admitting I sometimes ponder what could have been if I'd stayed with her.

To be continued...